


Harry Potter FIC SQUICK Fun

by RZZMG



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-18
Packaged: 2018-04-26 21:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5020747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RZZMG/pseuds/RZZMG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>FIC SQUICK FUN was an idea by Luvscharlie (on the HP-PornInTheSun.Livejournal.com site) where you mention the thing(s) that bug you about fanfic and then someone spoofs them in a short ficlet (under 1,000 words).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We're So Hot

**Author's Note:**

> Looneylunafan's fic squick to be cracked open was:
> 
> \- I would have to say the first is the idea of all the members of Hogwarts being blessed with Greek God and Goddess like bodies - specifically with the phrase "curves in all the right places" - *barf* But really... There's no way ALL the girls have a flat stomach and creamy smooth skin while all of the guys have 6 packs and seeker-reflexes.
> 
> Okay! On with the show...

* * *

 

 

"Oh, my God… would you look at them!" Ginny sighed, staring slack-jawed at the feast of flesh laid bare before her. "They're all so… fuck me,  _I want!_ "

"Wipe the drool from your chin, She-Weasel," Parkinson snarked. "And stand in line, little girl."

Hermione elbowed her dark-haired rival in the ribs. "Shhh, both of you. I don't fancy getting caught staring. They've got big enough egos as it is."

All of the witches huddled closer and went silent, watching the cream of the Gryffindor and Slytherin wizarding crop flying about on their broomsticks without their shirts on, as they played an impromptu pick-up Quidditch game. Gods, they were gorgeous – Greek Gods every one of them, even Crabbe and Goyle! Six-packs and seeker-reflexes… it was enough to make a girl reach for her vibrator.

"Have you ever seen such perfection?" Lavender sighed with yearning. "Tight abs, sexy arses, curves in all the right places."

All of the girls agreed with a hum and a nod.

"Potter's mine, so hands off, ladies," Pansy arrogantly announced. Every face turned towards her in shock. The Queen of Silver and Green merely licked her lips and smirked. "I've already marked that territory – many, many times, in fact, so get over it."

Ginny was silent a moment, staring through narrowed eyes at the group. "Fine, but I get Zabini."

"I call dibs on Ron!" Lavender enthusiastically whispered, bouncing up and down and waving her hand in the air like it was her turned to be called on.

"Finnegan," Daphne Greengrass eyed the Irish wonder-bread like he was the only piece of toast on the planet and she a starving maiden. "And Nott." Her blue eyes shifted to the tall, dark-haired boy who flew past at amazing speed.

Neville's claim hardly shocked anyone – the boy had been 'out of the closet,' down the hall and around the corner for a while now. "Goyle's got the perfect abs, don't you think?"

Millicent cleared her throat. "Crabbe and I have been dating in secret."

"Malfoy!" both Hermione and Astoria Greengrass claimed simultaneously. They got into a nasty stare-off contest as a result. It was silent for a moment as everyone watched the two witches circle each other like vultures scrapping for the last bit of meat. Their foreheads pressed together and their faces turned puce.

"I called it first," the younger one bit.

" _MINE_ ," Hermione snarled.

They jumped for each other, claws extended, at the same time, and soon the fights broke out between all of them as they tried to break things up, only to end up sucked into the bickering and hair-pulling as well. Voices raised, screams bellowed and secrecy was blown all to shite in mere seconds.

 

* * *

 

From their perches up on their brooms in the sky, the two Quidditch teams stared down at where the pig pile of witches were bickering, punching and clawing now.

"Told you," Draco snickered.

Weasley tilted his broom downward and openly gaped. "Blimey, look at them go! Holy shite – 'Mione just popped the Greengrass girl in the nose!"

"Women are territorial," Zabini nonchalantly expressed with a shrug, his burly shoulders bunching up.

Theo nodded in agreement, wiping sweat from his brow. "Makes them predictable."

Finnegan ran his hands over his chest and abs, sighing with contentment. "Ya, well, can't deny we're hot studs. Girls'll be dumb not ta notice."

"Feels wrong, though," Vinny commented. "You know, to manip-… manip-… uh, fuck with them this way."

Goyle slapped Crabbe upside the head. "Don't even think about getting soft now. We've got 'em right where we want 'em! Malfoy's potion is working perfectly."

Draco laced his fingers and cracked them over his head, stretching to make sure he was giving anyone who looked up a good show of his flawlessly-proportioned, alabaster torso. "Yeah, that glamour draught is something else. One sip and you're good for a day's worth of sleek perfection. Shiny hair, shimmering eyes, and assures curves in all the right places. I should thank my old man for the recipe."

Potter ran a hand over his well-defined pecs. "Hmmm… I wonder if we could make it a permanent effect? Dark magic or not, I kind of like it."

 


	2. Pass Me The Bong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> deirdre_aithne's fic squick to be cracked open was:
> 
> Given the beginning of DH, I can't buy into the idea that Lucius and Narcissa only had Draco to produce a Malfoy heir, as though the discussion of sex between them was like a business transaction.
> 
> Got it!

 

* * *

 

"You're kidding?"

Narcissa looked at the home witch pregnancy test, noted the blue color, and shook her head. "I'm afraid not, dear."

Lucius ran a hand over his face. "What now?"

Calmly, the Lady Malfoy set her wand down. "Well, we'll just have to make something up, won't we? When we tell him someday how he came into this world, that is."

The Lord of the Manor snorted. "Yeah, because 'wild monkey sex without thought to protection while on a hippie acid trip' won't cut it. He'd be mortified."

Narcissa nodded. "We could always tell him it was for the good of the family - that we conceived him out of a sense of duty."

"That'll fuck him up, though," Lucius frowned. "He'll forever think he has to follow in the familial footsteps."

His wife shrugged. "It'll build his character up."

He nodded and the matter was settled. "Very well. Now, where did you put the hookah? I'm dying for another hit..."

 


	3. Nothing But A Mary-Sue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teenage_hustler's fic squick to be cracked open was:
> 
> \- Mary-Sue Hermione. I mean, like, dead-straight long brown hair with blonde highlights, tanned skin, ginormous knockers, sluttiness, navel-piercing, TIGHT school uniform, the works.
> 
> I'm on it!

* * *

 

Stuart Phillips chemically-straightened hair with ridiculously expensive two-toned highlights: check.

Pre-requisite Jesse Nesse-inspired butterfly-above-the-arse tattoo: check.

De Beers diamond-studded belly piercing: check.

Givaudan personally-matched perfume: check

Vogue Brazilian tan and matching-named bikini wax: check, and double check.

Tightest and shortest uniform robes this side of Saturn (and to fly with school regulations!): check

Ah, it was good to be a goddess!

And, yeah, there was no question: Hermione Granger was a diety amongst witches. She knew it. Her parents knew it. Harry and Ron even knew it.  _Everyone_  knew it. Everyone worshipped her appropriately, too... well, everyone except for  _him_.

"Slagging about the corridors for frosh meat, Granger?"

"Grow a dick, Malfoy."

Slytherin's Prince smirked and sauntered over to hover at her shoulder. "So, who lit the fuse in your tampon today, pet?"

"Get fucked," she snarled.

Why, oh,  _why_  couldn't he see how abso-fab she was? Gods, was the boy that BLIND? Seriously, check out these Triple D's she was sporting! She'd gotten them  _specifically_  done this summer in anticipation of entering her Seventh Year! Every guy in school wanted to shag her now - and that wain't no braggin'.

"You volunteering to ride this pureblood, purple-headed wonder muscle?" He grabbed his crotch in a lewd manner and laughed. "Sorry, but I'm not into STD this year. It's a bad color for me."

She flipped a bitch and got all up in his grill. "I'd rather sit for a series of rabies boosters."

He leaned forward until their noses touched. "Got a better idea, Mudblood: how about you sit and take a spin on my..."

"MR. MALFOY!"

Hermione smirked, sat back on her heels and folded her arms under the tremendous shelf of artificial flesh stretching her tight tee to bursting. Now the little prick was in for it; McGonagall always took her side.

The Deputy Headmistress stormed over. "Ten points from Slytherin for speaking such foul innuendo in public. Now, move along."

Slytherin's 'Sex God' shot her a nasty look before moving off, and Hermione internally gloated.  _See, I'm totally the shite, so take a good whiff, ferret-boy._

"And you," McGonagall did a sweeping glance up and down Hermione's form. "Tell your dim-witted authoress to read the bloody books the next time she gives you a make-over! You look and sound like a two-bit hedge whore!"

As she stormed off, the gathered assembly nearby snickered. Some even laughed before walking off, shaking their heads.

Hermione gaped. She'd just received what amounted to 'the people's elbow' to the gut - slapped down by an old maid. Defeated, she moved to the nearest window, preparing to throw herself off. There wasn't anything left to live for. She'd been ruined by cheap clichés.

It was true: she was nothing but a Mary-Sue, after all.

 


	4. Love Your Tats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luvscharlie's fic squick to be cracked open was:
> 
> 1\. My Charlie always has tattoos.  
> 2\. I hate when he is called Chuck!
> 
> I so got this one!

* * *

 

"So... wanna fuck, Chuck?"

Charlie blinked. Twice. "Huh?"

Harry Potter, a.k.a. The Boy Who Conquered The Closet, stood before him in nothing but a towel, those brilliant emerald eyes of his shining with lust. He licked his lips and waggled his eyebrows. "Love your tat."

Blushing like a virgin, Charlie used one big palm to cover up the  _"I (heart) ME MUM"_ tattoo across his left pectoral. Fucking Bill and his fucking 'dare you to...' games!

"Uh, thanks."

Potter's elevator eyes left no inch of him untouched. "Got any more?" He sauntered over, dropping the towel and reached for Charlie's buttonfly. "Let's find out, shall we?"

 

**… _MUCH LATER…_**

 

The smoking calmed his nerves, and kept him in his skin. "I, uh, never did that before. So, was it okay?"

Potter grunted, rolling into the curve of his spine. "Yeah. Did you know you have one on your left butt cheek, too?"

Fucking arsehole Bill! Charlie was going to kill his brother. "What does it say?"

The green-eyed wizard grinned. "'I recycle boys.'"

 


End file.
